Life with a 1 year old

Kaleb is now 13 months, going on 14 months here in a couple weeks and it's hard to believe we were ever standing by his hospital bedside praying for his heart to heal right.  You look at this kid and just cannot even believe he went thru what he went thru.  I know I say on every almost post how grateful for his life I am, but man, it will never grow old!  I will always be so grateful for his life, for him, for who he is, and the little guy he is becoming.  His new favorite thing is putting his lips together to make, and excuse the term, but farting noises!  LOL.  He'll walk around for 20-30 minutes playing with his toys making these noises and it is just the most entertaining thing in my day is to watch these new sounds he's learning to make and to be able to push his little "popper-rollie-toy" AND make those noises at the same time is pretty impressive.  Just seeing how much he learns every day astonishes me!  Kids are amazing period!  Seeing what they learn and how quickly they adapt to life in just 1 year of life is absolutely a miracle in itself!

I can't wait for what tomorrow brings!  And the next day, and the next, and the next, and the next!

Grateful....

One day, while sitting next to Kaleb's hospital bed, monitors flashing and beeping, nurses going in and out, my mom told me that I would look back on this a year from now and not even remember all the sadness and fear we were facing...... She was right!


"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5, "In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths" Proverbs 3:6.......... Even when you are following God to your fullest capacity and placing all your trust in Him, things just don't magically go perfectly but "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7.......... God will give you peace of mind and heart no matter what the circumstances.  God taught me all about this going thru what we went thru with Kaleb. 

I haven't checked this blog or posted anything new since his last check up in October, and praise God, everything looks great!  Kaleb got to go off of all his meds, including the aspirin and reflux meds.  It has been over couple months since the check up and Kaleb is thriving!  Gaining weight, growing, talking, walking, running, getting into things he shouldn't get in to.  I get to worry about all the normal parent worries now.... And I love it (fancy that!)  LOL.

I am so grateful for my little Kaleb's life each and every day.  Every day I change his clothes or get him in the bath the scars all over his chest are a constant reminder of what we went thru and I still flinch a little when I see them, but less and less day by day.  They are truly a reminder of my God's might and strength and power and grace and mercy and peace that He offered me thru this time and continues to offer me no matter the trials or triumphs.  I will always need Him!  I often find myself confused by what life throws at me, but God, the only true constant in this universe, keeps me grounded and focused on what is truly important and what really matters!

I praise God for the lessons learned thru the horrific time at Primary Children's Hospital.  I remain forever grateful to the people, whose hands God used to save my sons life, and to God who allowed my son to live!

It's time for another sedated echo....

I can hardly believe it!  It's been almost ONE YEAR since Kaleb was born and we're less than a month away from it being a year since his open heart surgery.  Man I have gone thru so many emotions this last year all starting at my 3rd trimester of pregnancy but you know what God has taught me so much this year.  I have matured spiritually beyond anything I could have ever imagined and feel blessed that He would choose me to be the mother of our precious little Kaleb!  At times I still feel like I'm not completely over the emotional torment of the months of care and worry after his surgery, but I've gotten thru..... One day at a time..... March on brave soldier.  My mom said I would look back a year from then and be like "Whoa!" and I am so there!  Lol.

So Kaleb's check up is on Friday (October 8th), which is less than 2 days.  He will have a sedated echo cardiogram, where they knock him out and put his little body in all sorts of weird positions to do an ultrasound of his heart from every possible angle; then, he has a check up with his cardiologist Dr. Mack after he wakes up and eats a bit, that is when the doc will give us the results of his echo.  Oh man just talking about it makes my stomach do somersaults, I get queasy and dizzy just thinking about going back there and I think what if some thing's wrong, what if he needs more surgeries, what if this, what if that, what if, what if, what if......  Point is.... I don't have control over it.  God does.  He knows the outcome so I'm just going to do my best to rest in Him and I do trust Him no matter what happens (Lord, help me not forget that!).

I'll let you all know how he does.  I'm hoping for everything being perfect and that he can go off the aspirin and the antacids.  It'll be so weird that day.  The day where I don't have to give him medicine in the morning and at night.  I'm going to feel like I'm forgetting something every morning and night for a while. 

But really!  I feel so so blessed.  This time of year was HELL for me last year and I'm hoping and optimistic that this year will be just the opposite!

What's done is done

I don't know if I need to finish telling the story of Kaleb's surgery.  He made it thru.  There were some rough patches with having to have a second surgery because of an infection in the surgical site but other than that he was home a week after that surgery, off his oxygen 2 weeks after that, off of his feeding tube I think 6 weeks after that then 2 weeks later he was off of is PICC line that was in his arm giving him antibiotics to stop any infection from returning.

The surgery day was hell.  I almost passed out after seeing Kaleb the first time after surgery, I was an absolute wreck, but he's here.  He's healthy.  He's growing.  He's happy (except when his little toothies that are coming in really bother him).  He's just a good baby.  I am so lucky to have him.  So lucky that God would choose me to be this little boys mom!!!!  I look forwards to him growing and reaching each new milestone but am actually soaking this time in while he still isn't quite crawling and where he's just little enough I can still snuggle him.  I know it's going to go by all too fast.  My mom always says "I just had YOU two seconds ago!"  So I know time flies and soon he'll be married with his own kid.  Just the thought of that is insane. 

So ya, I'm not going to write his/my story in chronological order anymore, I find that I'm not wanting to do it like that.  I'll just write what's on my heart and on my mind.  It's not like anyone reads this stuff anyway.  It's my verbal release and I get to practice typing I guess.  But I enjoy blabbing on and on about what's going on in my life, in my odd mind and that matters on my heart.

The week before the surgery.......

Kaleb was transported up to Primary Children's Hospital October 27, 2009 within a few hours after being born.  He was wheeled into my room in a little box where he was all strapped down and hooked up to all these tubes, wires, and a ventilator.  The moment I saw him I thought "He's my little monkey in a box!" (and from then we decorated his room with monkey's, when I buy him new clothes I'm always drawn to the monkey stuff first!!!!  It's funny!)  Anyway, so they open the box for me so I could touch him and my hand was more than half his size it was amazing how little he was (5 lbs. 9 oz. 18 inches long).  I got to touch him and pet him and stroke him, it was my first touch with my new baby.  I was overwhelmed.... and from then on I cried almost all day every day until the day he came home.

When they got to Primary Children's they took him up to the NICU where he spent the next 5 days just hanging out, surviving, doctors trying to let him and his lungs get stronger before they did the surgery.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME HE

TRIED OPENING HIS EYES!

October 30th I finally got to hold my baby!

I was so emotional!  That day and the 5 days to follow we met with nurses and doctors to discuss what was wrong with Kaleb's heart and what they were going to do to correct it.  The death rate was only 15% but that is too high of a number when you're talking about your newborn and the possibility of death, it's insane to think about but so many I know have gone thru just that!

What Kaleb was diagnosed with was Transposition of the Great Arteries (meaning his pulmonary artery and his aorta grew in backwards so the blood was being pumped thru the wrong chambers, in turn, not allowing enough oxygenated blood to get to his entire body) and an Aortic Coarctation (where there is a narrowing in the aorta).

The charts above will really helped me understand better than putting it into words.

On November 2, 2009 Kaleb was 6 days old and wheeled in to have major open heart surgery.  The surgery would take about 6 hours.  That day is a story in itself, so much went on that day in that one little waiting room at Primary Children's Hospital.  I will never forget that day and I will tell you all about it on my next post, the K-Dub Meister is waking up from his nap!!!  :-)

The grass is always greener my ass!!!!!!

The Lord has taught me something very important today........... The grass is NOT always greener on the other side.  So many people, people you wouldn't have even expected, have gone thru such difficult times and come out just fine in the end and the things they went thru are much worse than I have ever had to go thru.  I met my friend Brittany's room-mate Michelle last month and just today came to find out that she has a tumor in her body, one that is so wrapped around her insides that they won't operate, one that could get bigger, it has given her so so so much medical debt that no one will treat her and she cannot qualify for ANY medical assistance.  She is supposed to be getting MRI's every 3 months to monitor the tumor but hasn't been able to for who knows how long.  This same tumor was the reason she lost her son while still in gestation and one that could any day grow larger and end up killing her.

Michelle is always smiling!  Always laughing!  At least when I'm around her.  She is so down to earth.  So normal.  And she has gone thru so much more than me, that gives me so much hope and at the same time makes me feel ashamed for feeling so sorry for myself and what I had to go thru with Kaleb.  The grass is not always greener on the other side!

Something I read on a little embroidered old lady decoration (that my Grandma Garrett happens to have on her wall in her bathroom, that is why I say old lady decoration..... Love you Grandma!!!), was HAPPINESS IS NOT HAVING WHAT YOU WANT BUT WANTING WHAT YOU HAVE --- This has stuck with me and will for the rest of my life.  I need to always be grateful for my circumstance because God put me here, He put me what I went thru for a reason, He has a purpose for letting me go thru certain things.  So my prayer today, Lord, is that you live out your purposes thru me.  Lord, that you would open me up to your guidance and open my ears to hear you speak.  Thank you for what we went thru with Kaleb, thank you for Kaleb.  Help me focus on You, looking forward to what You have for me instead of backwards.

Let me cut the chase......

I really feel like I'm postponing talking about Kaleb's surgery so I'm just going to cut to the chase.  Ya, my labor sucked.  I was induced on the 26th of October, sometime in the morning and I labored for almost 24 hours before I was like "K, just cut me open"......  My body just was not having the pregnancy anymore.  My liver was failing, my kidney's were giving out, my platelet levels were dropping and I guess once they get below 100 you can't have an epidural so I was like get me an epidural and start this engine, we're having a baby. 

So off we went, we knew nothing about Kaleb's heart condition.  All throughout my pregnancy doctors talked about how healthy his heart sounded and it's just ironic that that is the thing that was wrong with him.

Anyway, 8:08 AM October 27, 2009, 5 lbs. 9 oz. fuzzy haired Kaleb was pulled from my body via c-section.  One thing that was so funny about the c-section, I did not like the feeling of not feeling and being awake and being cut open. I was clenching my teeth, and growling, and kind of screeching, and the anesthesiologist was like "Do you want some morphine?", I was like "Heck ya!!!!", as soon as Kaleb came out he gave me a nice rush of morphine then, with a smile, asked "Do you want some more?", "Ooooooh yaaaaaaa!"  So you can imagine I was so drugged up when they took me back to my room.  I was alone.  Shane was following Kaleb up to the NICU to get is tests done.  We knew he would have to stay at St. Mark's Hospital for at least a week or two because he was 5 weeks premature, but we had no idea what came next......

THIS IS GROSS ME AFTER THEY BROUGHT

ME BACK TO MY ROOM AFTER

THE C-SECTION.

So the nurses and doctors told Shane they needed Kaleb for a couple hours to run some tests so Shane came home to have a "It's a Boy" cigar and a beer when he got a phone call from his dad informing him that Kaleb needed heart surgery and that was all Randy knew..... I guess the grandparents were watching the tests or just hanging out by the NICU when the doctors emerged with that news and told the grandparents first.  But I was so out of it, I really don't know what order it happened in.  I just know that I was alone in my room and two doctors came in, I was completely messed up on Morphine and who knows what else, they started telling me all the medical terms of his heart defects and I could not wrap my brain around it.  I could not get emotional about it because I didn't fully understand what was going on but I knew by the looks on their faces that it was sad news, scary news.  I told them that I was way too drugged up to get any of what they were saying and asked them to come back later to explain again.

Most of this day was such a blur.  I don't remember if the doctors ever came back to explain to me or if Shane just got all the info and told me but I remember just being in tears for the next 3 weeks, every day, almost all day. 

THIS WAS IN THE NICU BEFORE

THEY GOT HIM IN THAT TRANSPORT BOX

AND BROUGHT HIM INTO MY ROOM.

Kaleb was wheeled into my room in this box, he had all these tubes and wires hooked up to him, had a breathing tube in, he was headed for the NICU at Primary Children's Hospital and I wouldn't get to hold him until who knows when.  I was so devastated.  His life was hanging in the balance and I was in the dark, I had no information on what was going on with my baby for 3 days, that's when I made my way up to Primary Children's Hospital for the first time........ That story is for another day.  This was hard enough writing about, the rest is going to be even harder but I feel the healing happening.  Thanks for reading everyone!

MISS YOU KATIE (MY MINI ME)!!!!!!

This is Who I am.....

I found myself looking in the mirror
Knew I wasn't who I wanted to be
I was living life the way that I wanted
But my eyes reminded me I'm not free
Believe that I saw, everything that I know
Says I gotta go, tired of going solo
But I'm never gonna go there again

This is what it is
This is who I am
This is where I finally take my stand
I didn't want to fall, but I don't have to crawl
I met the One with two scarred hands
I'm giving him the best of, everything thats left of
That life inside this man
I've been Born Again

I see you're walking like you're living in fear
Having trouble even looking at me
Wishin that they would give you more than words
Sick of people telling you how it should be
What's your download, where'd you get your info
Saw that I'm show, now you're in the in-load
I'm gonna tell you what I believe

This is what it is
This is who I am
This is where I finally take my stand
I didn't want to fall, but I don't have to crawl
I met with One with two scarred hands
Giving Him the best of, everything that's left of
The life inside this man
I've been Born Again

We are the ones, He called by name
I'm never gonna look back
Let go, let go the built the shame
I said I'm never gonna look back
This is who I am

I am Born Again

*********************************

These are the words to the Newsboys new song, Born Again, it is sooooooo awesome!  Some of the words don't make sense just reading them in your head but you gotta go listen to the song and read the lyrics while you listen.  So changed me!  Thank you Lord!

Just thought'd I share that!

It's a boy!!!!!!

(Can't find any pregnant pictures of me, at least not any good ones so this is what you get!)

Setting: March 29, 2009..... We're at Dee's with our friends Becca and Steve Hendricks and their little girl Allie (she was just a wee babe still sittin in high chairs).  We had just gone to church and wanted to have a bite with some good company.

My Feelings:  I was exhausted..... I had been feeling that way for weeks now.  I thought it was from how much I was working out, see I was trying real hard to get in shape while we were trying for a baby, and I would go to the gym every night for a couple hours, running maybe an hour or more on the elliptical and lifting weights, so you know I thought I was just maybe overdoing it or not getting enough sleep, I don't know but I did notice that I had been more tired than usual lately and I was doing everything right for a healthy body and mind.

After we were finished with lunch I had all these thoughts about how tired I was going thru my head and I thought, OH YA, it's going to be "that time of the month" soon that's probably why I'm so tired........... But....... Then again I've been tired like this for weeks!  (And because I'm so neurotic)..... Maybe somethings wrong, maybe I have cancer, maybe I have a tumor in the section of my brain that makes you tired and the tumor is just so big that it's clicking my melatonin valve too much and I'm just constantly sleepy!  Oh no!!  Oh my!!  (I really am this paranoid).  So after fancying my silly thoughts about me dying I started counting and realized that I should already be in "that time of the month".... I was only a few days late but I thought what the heck, we've been trying so it wouldn't be that horrible of a thing to buy a pregnancy test.  Even if it comes out negative you can buy them in boxes of two for a discount price and then HEY, we'll have an extra around for the next time I think I'm pregnant. I wasn't one of those women that was pee-on-a-stick happy.... Ya know where the couple is trying to get pregnant and any sign of pregnancy shows up, like they get a stomach ache one morning and they think "I must be pregnant!", so they go pee on a stick (a pregnancy test) HA HA HA..... Anyway, I'm not like that, I like to be pretty damn sure that something is possible before I even test the waters. 

So we go to Smith's get a pregnancy test, I take it.... And I shook the whole time!  Shane just calmly went about his day, and I paced for 2 minutes, the longest 2 minutes of my life!!!!!  I slowly open the bathroom door just a crack and peer in with one eye wondering if I can see how many pink lines had shown up.... Nope... couldn't see it from that angle so I slowly approach the lone pregnancy test stick and what to my wondering eyes did appear?  TWO PINK LINES!!!!! HOORAAAAAYYY!!!!! WE'RE PREGNANGT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I couldn't believe how overwhelmed and happy I was!  I didn't think I would be so emotional.  We immediately sped up to my parents house (I hadn't even been to the doctor yet so we had no idea how far along I was) they were ecstatic, we stayed and visited awhile calling all of our relatives with them on speaker phone so everyone in the room could hear their reactions and I can't believe it, Shane's grandma Jean actually screamed, she was so excited!  After everyone we could think of in the family  had been called we finally got a hold of Shane's parents and went to inform them of the happy news and I've never seen such inaction to such exciting news as your first grandchild.  My mother-in-law said "Wooooow!" (not even capital WOW) and I don't even remember what my father-in-law said, it was that unmemorable!  Ha ha ha, but Becky and Randy absolutely adore Kaleb and are such awesome grandparents!

We are so excited to have Kaleb in our lives but getting him here wasn't void of a gnarly journey, that's for sure!  You'll hear all about it in the days to come.

To those of you who actually read this blog, thank you!  I really am doing this to help me heal from what we went thru with Kaleb; how we saw our baby suffer thru such a big thing as open heart surgery, how we thought we were going to loose him (something I still worry about almost every day)!  I know, I know.... Look how good he looks, look how he's thriving!  I know!  I see that!  I am so grateful to God for that!  But what a freak thing to happen!  Things like this aren't supposed to happen to normal people like me and Shane!  They are supposed to stay in the movies or we're just supposed to stay in the 98% percent of people that don't have to go thru stuff like this.  It's so weird thinking that you're this normal person with a normal life, with a husband or wife, a little house with a modest yard, a dog, a car, a mortgage, and one day maybe 2.4 kids!  And then BAM!!!!  God reminds you that you aren't normal!  You are HIS child, HIS royalty and you can handle this stuff.  He's putting you thru it because you can handle it and by handling it you rely on Him more, become closer to Him, you have a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Him.  It's crazy I'm telling you.  Going thru stuff like this with your child really changes who you are so deep inside it's just weird. 

So that was my overly long thank you and description of the reason why I am doing this but it's a good reminder for me that God hasn't left the building.

In the beginning....

My husband and I met when I was 16 going on 17 and he was 18 going on 19.  We met at little coffee shop called Solid Ground cafe in Sandy.  My friend Marla and I just happened to be cruising around in her parents red GMC Jimmy when we saw someone we knew standing on the side walk by this certain coffee shop.  We pulled in the say hello and got hooked.  This was a teenager's sanctuary.  A place where people can bring their guitars, get some coffee, play some checkers of chess, there was a pool table, they made a few good sandwiches and had pastries, it was decorated with these awesome murials drawn by the regular kids who hung out there.  We loved it so much we came back later that night, and the next night and the next until we were there several times a day.  Our summer days and nights were caught up in this place...... This is where I met Shane.  I liked him the second I laid eyes on him and no way honey was I afraid to tell him I liked him.  To make a long story short I chased him from 16 years of age till I was 19 years old.... Of course this wasn't a stocker non-stop yurning for him but there was always something a bit more than friendship between us and I wasn't afraid to ask him several times to be my boyfriend to which he would always reply "Na, I don't want to ruin our friendship", or "I'm really focused on college right now and don't want a girlfriend", or my favorite was the time I asked if there would ever be a "Shane AND McKell", his reply was..... "Not now.... Maybe in the far future."  And yes ladies and gentlemen he said "FAR future".... Ha ha ha.... I laugh at it now.  When I asked him that I had sworn to me it was going to be the last time I asked him and the last time I sought after something more than friendship and when I heard his response I was bummed of course but Shane was such a good friend I was not going to let this last denial end it for us.  We would stay friends as long as the fates would allow.  So after being denied (we happened to be at a party that night), I was after the other cute guys at this party.... See I was super hot at one time and I could pretty much have whoever I wanted (just a fact), so I moved on to the next one.  Met a guy I was really into at the party, gave him my number, was looking forward to seeing him when not to my wondering ears to hear.... My phone ringing.... And it's Shane (this is two days before we were supposed to go to the Big Ass show in 2003).... He wants to try the "Shane and McKell" thing now that he saw he could loose his chance at being with me (little did he know I had decided just that last night at the party).  So he asked "Do you want to be together, like a couple?"...... "Hmmmmmm....." I pondered...... "Let me think about it for a few days!"..... HA HA HA LMAO!!!!!  And I did.... I made him wait for a few days, then of course I said yes, and that is where it began.... September 22, 2003 it was official..... December 28th, 2003 Shane proposed to me at temple square in a freezing, wet, sloshy snow storm, it was awesome!  September 22, 2004 we were married at Millcreek Inn and after 4 1/2 years of marriage I was pregnant with our baby boy, Kaleb who was born October 27th, 2009..... My pregnancy and Kaleb's birth is a whole different story..... And we'll get to that.

PICS OF KALEB

NEW PICS OF KALEB (UPDATED TO MATCH WHERE HE IS AT NOW) WILL BE COMING SOON, JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THEM OFF MY CAMERA ONTO THE COMPUTER.  SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR THE HUBBY!  LOL.

For my mom..... Lisa Talbot

Above is a picture of my mom, Lisa, and my son Kaleb.  This is during his stay at Primary Children's Hospital after two surgeries.  The first was open hearty surgery because of some congential heart defects he was born with, then he had a second because of an infection at the surgical site.  This was by far the most difficult thing I have ever gone thru!  I was an absolute wreck, I could go on and on explaining what a wreck I was but there is not enough space.... The point is, anyway, is that I got thru it.... I'm getting thru it....... But it wasn't without the loving care, concern, dedication, and drive that my mother had to keep me afloat.  I'm in tearns writting this now because I never knew how much my mom loved me until I had my son and how strong she was for me during this time is other-worldy, absolutely phenominal.  I constantly think about how she was there for me during this time.  My mom is one of the most amazing people I know.  Always looking at the positive.  Always lifting my head when it's down.  Mom, I would not have survived this if it weren't for you.  I don't think anyone has any idea how amazing she was during this time.  I could not imagine watching my child suffer thru what I went thru and staying as sane as she did, but on top of that she had to watch her first grandson go thru everything I watched him go thru.  She was at his hospital bed every second I was, she saw everything I saw.  Those images play over and over again in my head and they always end with how my mom was there for me.  Mom you deserve recognition for what you did.  Thank you for having a servant's heart during this time.  You sacrificed so much for me, not just then, but thru my entire life.  Now I know what a mother's love is like and it overwhelms me thinking that you love me as much as I love Kaleb.  I'm sorry I doubted that love.  I will never doubt it again.  I love you!